My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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