feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
