rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
