party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
