He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
