oh fat girl friday strikes again...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
