Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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