wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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