just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
