My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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