and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
