I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize