I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Fuck appropriateness.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
