i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
