Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
