I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
bring money and cleavage
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
