Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
