Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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