Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Pants are for mortals
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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