You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
