The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I have tasted many bathrooms
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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