im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Operation Purity has been aborted
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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