I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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