I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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