You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
