I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
