Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
