theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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