ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
