just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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