that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
