I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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