swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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