Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Shame - the story of my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
