Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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