i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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