Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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