So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
