Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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