I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I puked a lego.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
