ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
