I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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