She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
