Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
