my mouth tastes like poor choices
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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