Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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