mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
