Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
