he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
