i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
