You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
