I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
