walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
