and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
God, I missed his penis.
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