totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
