shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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