Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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