I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
