I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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