Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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