What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
