I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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