ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
