i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
