I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
